So why don’t i, my year in review.
You all witnessed it through the blog, i started off well going fresh into uni, i’d just broken up with my first and only boyfriend in January (we’d been dating since our birthdays at the beginning of October), because i wanted to find out who i was outside of school life, and i didn’t think i could do that in a the serious type of relationship we were fast heading towards, i regret that now but nothing i can do about that, so i was doing a bachelor of human movement studies, but taking psychology and speech pathology courses in hopes of gaining entry in 2010 for a Bachelor of Speech Pathology, because i missed out on direct entry by 1 OP point (I got a 7, the cut off was a 6, for those outside Queensland, our system is backwards, you get an OP of 1-25, 1 being the best that 1-2% of the state school leavers get, and 25 being the absolute worst, so i did pretty well with a 7, anything single digit is considered doing very well, i think its something like 15% that get a single digit OP, i may be wrong). So i did pretty well coming out of school, and going into uni. At this point i realised travelling all the way to Brisbane from the Gold Coast (3 hours or so on the train/buses everyday total) was getting tiring, and 4 hour gaps in my time table made sitting by myself in between classes unbearable. To solve this i managed to get an offer to stay with some friends of mine during the week who lived about 20 minutes away, so a much better deal. So i took up the offer and moved in with them during the week, then went home on the weekend to work. This went all through semester 1 but eventually i found living out of home too distracting and only just managed to pass all of my courses. I don’t really remember what i did during the break between semester 1 and 2, no idea, obviously not that important. At the beginning of semester 1 i recall having a serious relapse of the depression i had suffered from during year 11 at school (2007), i dont really remember what changed to stop this, i think i tried to kill myself by over dosing on the left over anti-depressants i had from year 11, as i know now you can’t overdose on the particular anti-depressant i had, unless you take 7 boxes, so lucky for me there.
Jump ahead to semester 2 of uni, still doing a Bachelor of Human Movement Studies, but this time taking 2 courses not related to psychology or speech pathology at all, Anatomy 1001 and Cell Biology 1040, as well as one psychology course and a linguistics course. Another opportunity arose to live closer to uni, this time with a friend in a 2 bedroom apartment 10 minutes from my university, i did the same thing again there during the week home on weekends, i got worse and worse, suffering from depression again, worse than ever before and eventually stopped attending classes entirely. Sometime near the end of the semester James (my ex-boyfriend and now friend) took me to Oktoberfest, where we beer’d up, then went to the gay clubs in Brisbane, my first time ever in gay clubs. In short i liked it initially, but thinking back it was terrible experience, i didn’t fit in at all, and everyone around me made that obvious, somewhere inside i felt worse than ever about my sexuality, this wasn’t a community i wanted to be a part of. I moved back home at the end of the semester, and realizing i had no hope for exams, tried to think of a way out of my mess so that i could start afresh in 2010 doing what i am no passionate about, psychology. I decided i had to sort out my depression once and for all and go back to my doctor, i told my mother what had been happening all year, while she was unaware, about my suicide attempts and everything, i came clean, she cried and vowed never to let me out of her sight again until i was better. We went to the doctor together where i told him everything, she cried again when i explained to him that i didn’t tell anyone or seek help because i didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems, my mother included, she told me never to think that ever and that she always wanted me to go to her for help when i need it, i feel we’re closer since then, i spoke to the doctor privately at his request, and he asked a few personal questions about anything that could be contributing to my depression, he asked if id had any issues about my sexual orientation, i came right out and said i was gay, but that itself hadn’t been an issue for over 2 years, i felt proud of myself for just saying that phrase to someone “Oh yea im gay” i’ve never said that to anyone in person before, when i told a few select friends, i did it subtly, then they caught on, and when i gave the ok they gradually told other people, so i’d never actually told anyone outright. He prescribed the same medication i’d had before, and said that i should think about seeing a psychologist at my university once i went back, and suggested studying part-time to reduce the work load, i explained that if he wrote a letter explaining my circumstances, i could be granted exemption from academic penalty, and get into a Bachelor of Psychology at Griffith University Gold Coast, much closer to home. I handed the form in, and was granted the exemption, and received my acceptance into the course on December 7th in the first offer round. Thinks were ok for awhile just after i started taking the medication. I went to a new gay club that opened on the gold coast, my 2nd foray into the gay night life, a friend of mine knew the club owners, and we got in VIP etc, i mentioned this, i thought it was a good night, i exchanged phone numbers with 3 guys, one in particular who gave me his interested me alot and i had a crush on him from the first time i saw him and heard him speak, we danced all night and chatted in between, at about 2am his friends said they had to go, i made the call me sign and mouthed it and he said for sure. That was that, i guess when he woke up the next day sober and saw me or something, he was completely uninterested, or i mistook his interest in me for something he does with different guys every night, he hasnt spoken to me at all since even though i’ve tried contacting him. It made me hate gay clubs even more, because for a moment i thought id caught a break and across the crowded room id seen someone, and we’d connected, it was all coming true, but no it wasn’t, it was just another slut being a slut and i was further down than ever before.
Now we’re here, a few weeks later, and im in an entirely different place altogether. I dont have clinical depression anymore, im not always depressed, let me explain. Some parts of the day, im so caught in a deeply depressed state that all i can think about is suicide ideation, how lonely i am, how utterly frustrated i am with the fact that not a single gay male will give me the time of day and get to know me, and i have no idea why, i try to fit in, i straighten my hair, i wear tight clothes, all that bullshit that i see all the others doing, and none of them will even respond to my attempts at conversation (of course im talking myspace here because thats really my only option). Other times im not depressed, but im not happy (i don’t remember the last time i felt happy, and not just energetic), i have more energy than i should, i jump over furniture, drive dangerously, and have no regard for my own or others safety, my mind is racing and i talk so fast i get tongue tied and stutter, i can sleep for 2 hours in this state, and wake up feeling infinitely more awake than i do if i sleep for 12 in a depressed state. Im going to make another appointment with my doctor, because as much as i hate to say it, i seriously think i have Class 2 Bipolar Disorder, and not just clinical depression, i need different medication if thats the case, and need to learn tactics to get through depressed cycles without committing suicide, and get through hypomanic cycles without losing my job from being stupid, hurting myself, or even killing myself inadvertently through reckless behaviour.
I worked from 5am-5pm today, and since waking up at 4am (and going to bed 2 hours before that), i’ve changed moods so many times i’ve lost count, tonight i’ve mostly been hyperactive, i jumped over the lounge for no apparent reason and almost fell through a glass window, and before while taking out the garbage i went for a jog for no reason, i doubt ill sleep tonight, i’ve been awake since 4am and had 2 hours sleep, and worked hard for 12 hours, its now 10:30pm and im not remotely tired or worn out, i need to sort this out because when i think back on stuff i do, i scare myself. Im working again tomorrow (NYE) till late, then coming home to spend it by myself, i hope i make it through ok, i dunno, i guess we’ll find out.