I’ll find you somewhere, ill keep on trying, until my dieing day. I just need to know, whatever has happened, the truth will free my soul. Wherever you are, I won’t stop searching, whatever it takes me to know.
“I don’t really want to be like them, the way they behave, the way that they live. I don’t really need someone like that, but someone with warmth and respect, in a world without feeling.
Once more I’m running, running away, I must hide, can’t take anymore. A fight to free me from an endless struggle with life. Running, tell me how far should I go. If they’re all the same in this fight…”
So i spent about 30 minutes tonight researching and calculating the number of Single Homosexual/Bisexual males between the ages of 16-21 in Queensland, Australia compared to the number of Single Heterosexual/Bisexual females between the ages of 16-21 in Queensland, Australia. Here are my findings:
Males 16-21 years old in Queensland: 135955
Females 16-21 years old in Queensland: 185322(Australian Bureau of Statistics 2006)
Males 3399 Gay/Bisexual
Females 4077 Gay/Bisexual(Sex In Australia Study – Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health 2003)
81% gay males live in regular partner relationships of 12 months or more. (skewed because the data for this criteria was taken from a sample population aged 21-59 which are obviously more likely to be in relationship of 12 months or more).
89.5% of heterosexual women live in regular partner relationships of 12 months or more. (skewed because the data for this criteria was taken from a sample population aged 21-59 which are obviously more likely to be in a reltionship of 12 months or more).(Sex In Australia Study – Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health 2003)
Males in Queensland aged 16-21 who are Gay/Bisexual and Single: 646
Females in Queensland aged 16-21 who are Heterosexual/Bisexual and Single: 19459
So there it is, the plain truth, there are roughly 650 single, gay/bisexual boys out there for me in the entirety of Queensland (about 100 of those probably live in regional areas). From now on, when my male friends complain to me about how lucky i am to be gay, and how much easier it is for me to find a relationship because girls are so confusing to them, i will quote my quick little bit of research proving that there are about 19000 more girls out there for them then there are gay guys for me.
Update: One of them started this argument again tonight, i quoted my research and he quickly changed the subject without saying a word about it. (Im happy to dwell in our loneliness together, but it pisses me off when they try to tell me i have it easy compared to them).
So tonight i learnt that the guy who’s number i got a few weeks ago, but who then was uninterested the next day, is now in a relationship, i thought he just wasn’t looking for a relationship and i had mistaken his interest for something it wasn’t, i guess that wasn’t the case and im just not good enough.
I also tried being social and seeing a few friends this week and ended up unintentionally fucking up my friendship with my best friend, things just seem to work better when i don’t leave the house… i can’t seem to wrap my head around socializing, i always end up doing something wrong and then having no idea why things are suddenly not right.
Anyway, some positive news (music related of course, that is all that’s really positive at this point) check out this new Croatian Gothic Industrial band, i genuinely love the haunted theme they have going on:
Another music thing, i learnt that Memory from Cats is a track on John Barrowman’s new self titled album, i love Simone Simons version of that song and im sure i will love John’s.
My music collection seems to rise every week, everything else just seems to keep falling, and just when i think its fallen as far as it can, it surprises me and falls again. Things are shit at home, things are shit outside of home, and things are totally fucked inside my head, i guess ill keep throwing medication at it in the absence of being able to resolve my actual problems.
So why don’t i, my year in review.
You all witnessed it through the blog, i started off well going fresh into uni, i’d just broken up with my first and only boyfriend in January (we’d been dating since our birthdays at the beginning of October), because i wanted to find out who i was outside of school life, and i didn’t think i could do that in a the serious type of relationship we were fast heading towards, i regret that now but nothing i can do about that, so i was doing a bachelor of human movement studies, but taking psychology and speech pathology courses in hopes of gaining entry in 2010 for a Bachelor of Speech Pathology, because i missed out on direct entry by 1 OP point (I got a 7, the cut off was a 6, for those outside Queensland, our system is backwards, you get an OP of 1-25, 1 being the best that 1-2% of the state school leavers get, and 25 being the absolute worst, so i did pretty well with a 7, anything single digit is considered doing very well, i think its something like 15% that get a single digit OP, i may be wrong). So i did pretty well coming out of school, and going into uni. At this point i realised travelling all the way to Brisbane from the Gold Coast (3 hours or so on the train/buses everyday total) was getting tiring, and 4 hour gaps in my time table made sitting by myself in between classes unbearable. To solve this i managed to get an offer to stay with some friends of mine during the week who lived about 20 minutes away, so a much better deal. So i took up the offer and moved in with them during the week, then went home on the weekend to work. This went all through semester 1 but eventually i found living out of home too distracting and only just managed to pass all of my courses. I don’t really remember what i did during the break between semester 1 and 2, no idea, obviously not that important. At the beginning of semester 1 i recall having a serious relapse of the depression i had suffered from during year 11 at school (2007), i dont really remember what changed to stop this, i think i tried to kill myself by over dosing on the left over anti-depressants i had from year 11, as i know now you can’t overdose on the particular anti-depressant i had, unless you take 7 boxes, so lucky for me there.
Jump ahead to semester 2 of uni, still doing a Bachelor of Human Movement Studies, but this time taking 2 courses not related to psychology or speech pathology at all, Anatomy 1001 and Cell Biology 1040, as well as one psychology course and a linguistics course. Another opportunity arose to live closer to uni, this time with a friend in a 2 bedroom apartment 10 minutes from my university, i did the same thing again there during the week home on weekends, i got worse and worse, suffering from depression again, worse than ever before and eventually stopped attending classes entirely. Sometime near the end of the semester James (my ex-boyfriend and now friend) took me to Oktoberfest, where we beer’d up, then went to the gay clubs in Brisbane, my first time ever in gay clubs. In short i liked it initially, but thinking back it was terrible experience, i didn’t fit in at all, and everyone around me made that obvious, somewhere inside i felt worse than ever about my sexuality, this wasn’t a community i wanted to be a part of. I moved back home at the end of the semester, and realizing i had no hope for exams, tried to think of a way out of my mess so that i could start afresh in 2010 doing what i am no passionate about, psychology. I decided i had to sort out my depression once and for all and go back to my doctor, i told my mother what had been happening all year, while she was unaware, about my suicide attempts and everything, i came clean, she cried and vowed never to let me out of her sight again until i was better. We went to the doctor together where i told him everything, she cried again when i explained to him that i didn’t tell anyone or seek help because i didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems, my mother included, she told me never to think that ever and that she always wanted me to go to her for help when i need it, i feel we’re closer since then, i spoke to the doctor privately at his request, and he asked a few personal questions about anything that could be contributing to my depression, he asked if id had any issues about my sexual orientation, i came right out and said i was gay, but that itself hadn’t been an issue for over 2 years, i felt proud of myself for just saying that phrase to someone “Oh yea im gay” i’ve never said that to anyone in person before, when i told a few select friends, i did it subtly, then they caught on, and when i gave the ok they gradually told other people, so i’d never actually told anyone outright. He prescribed the same medication i’d had before, and said that i should think about seeing a psychologist at my university once i went back, and suggested studying part-time to reduce the work load, i explained that if he wrote a letter explaining my circumstances, i could be granted exemption from academic penalty, and get into a Bachelor of Psychology at Griffith University Gold Coast, much closer to home. I handed the form in, and was granted the exemption, and received my acceptance into the course on December 7th in the first offer round. Thinks were ok for awhile just after i started taking the medication. I went to a new gay club that opened on the gold coast, my 2nd foray into the gay night life, a friend of mine knew the club owners, and we got in VIP etc, i mentioned this, i thought it was a good night, i exchanged phone numbers with 3 guys, one in particular who gave me his interested me alot and i had a crush on him from the first time i saw him and heard him speak, we danced all night and chatted in between, at about 2am his friends said they had to go, i made the call me sign and mouthed it and he said for sure. That was that, i guess when he woke up the next day sober and saw me or something, he was completely uninterested, or i mistook his interest in me for something he does with different guys every night, he hasnt spoken to me at all since even though i’ve tried contacting him. It made me hate gay clubs even more, because for a moment i thought id caught a break and across the crowded room id seen someone, and we’d connected, it was all coming true, but no it wasn’t, it was just another slut being a slut and i was further down than ever before.
Now we’re here, a few weeks later, and im in an entirely different place altogether. I dont have clinical depression anymore, im not always depressed, let me explain. Some parts of the day, im so caught in a deeply depressed state that all i can think about is suicide ideation, how lonely i am, how utterly frustrated i am with the fact that not a single gay male will give me the time of day and get to know me, and i have no idea why, i try to fit in, i straighten my hair, i wear tight clothes, all that bullshit that i see all the others doing, and none of them will even respond to my attempts at conversation (of course im talking myspace here because thats really my only option). Other times im not depressed, but im not happy (i don’t remember the last time i felt happy, and not just energetic), i have more energy than i should, i jump over furniture, drive dangerously, and have no regard for my own or others safety, my mind is racing and i talk so fast i get tongue tied and stutter, i can sleep for 2 hours in this state, and wake up feeling infinitely more awake than i do if i sleep for 12 in a depressed state. Im going to make another appointment with my doctor, because as much as i hate to say it, i seriously think i have Class 2 Bipolar Disorder, and not just clinical depression, i need different medication if thats the case, and need to learn tactics to get through depressed cycles without committing suicide, and get through hypomanic cycles without losing my job from being stupid, hurting myself, or even killing myself inadvertently through reckless behaviour.
I worked from 5am-5pm today, and since waking up at 4am (and going to bed 2 hours before that), i’ve changed moods so many times i’ve lost count, tonight i’ve mostly been hyperactive, i jumped over the lounge for no apparent reason and almost fell through a glass window, and before while taking out the garbage i went for a jog for no reason, i doubt ill sleep tonight, i’ve been awake since 4am and had 2 hours sleep, and worked hard for 12 hours, its now 10:30pm and im not remotely tired or worn out, i need to sort this out because when i think back on stuff i do, i scare myself. Im working again tomorrow (NYE) till late, then coming home to spend it by myself, i hope i make it through ok, i dunno, i guess we’ll find out.
Just figured out why every single gay boy i have on my myspace friends listens to Lady Gaga, because they’re all really sad people and its hard to be sad while listening to Lady Gaga.
Also, i think i mentioned how the other night three 18 year old guys gave me their phone numbers, which i was obviously happy about, what has me unhappy again is the fact that all 3 of them apparently lost interest once they’d sobered up, wtf is up with that? I mean, they looked cuter when i was drunk so i must’ve as well to them, the difference being they still are cute enough to retain my interest enough to get to know them, whereas im obviously not =/
Just when i thought there was hope.
Everyone keeps telling me to just wait for it to happen, well fuck that its not good enough for me anymore, i want to do something about it, BUT FUCKING WHAT. Hitting on lots of guys at a club, tried that failed multiple times, hitting on guys on myspace that live around where i live, try that every day, failure, thats pretty much the only options i see?
The following is taken from the profile of one of the gay myspace boys i mentioned (with parts i edited in brackets):
“There could be heroes, but only one for every person, I have seen friends find there heroes, and you can tell that they have finished searching the world, you can see it in there eyes, and the smile on there faces when they see them. I know there is a hero out there for me, i have been waiting (18) years for them, and i can(’t) wait another (18) years, So what (the fuck) is he waiting for? Hurry up! There are such things, as happy endings, and the perfect person, but finding them, out of everone else, is the sad part.”
Yea, i’ve already tried with this guy, we talked for one day, he suggested getting to know each other and meeting (hes 15 btw, little too young legally, but whatever) then the next day won’t talk to me. I think i mentioned this before, it fucking irritates me, i really want to just ask WTF is it about me that makes people lose interest so fast?
Im so fucking frustrated, what the fuck am i doing wrong that so many of my friends are doing right? Granted im the only gay person in my immediate friendship group, but i refuse to believe thats the only reason.
I hate people who say this because its so stupid (but right now i hate me anyway so, why not say it for once).
FUCK.MY.LIFE.
Happiness for Kaki?
Nope, just more failure and disappointment.
Although im down and though im torn apart, im still breathing.
I went to the first open to the public night last night, its a new gay club on the Gold Coast, there’s 2 now!
I was amazing! My friend’s mum has been best friends with the guys who own the club now for 20 years or so, and they just decided to open this club a few months ago, thursday night was VIP night but i was busy, so i went last night with 2 friends. It was my first ever VIP moment haha, we were walking in with the owner, and walked straight past the line and he was like yea these boys are with me and we walked straight in, then up to the bar and he’s like “Hey get these boys a drink” and we got a free drink lol.
I got pretty smashed, it was an amazing night where to start, hmm. Ok so nobody was really dancing, new club and all, so a few guys were like you boys come help us get the dance floor packed, so i was like hells yea lets go and we started dancing, a few people (including one of my straight friends who was there with me) took their shirts off and we got the dance floor going xD Oh yea that friend i just mentioned also made out with a guy later in the night lol.
So we’re dancing, and i spot this really cute boy, tall, thin, blonde curls, gorgeously cute outfit, and im not really sure how, but with my drunken lack of inhibitions i flirted with him ALOT, turns out he goes to the same uni that im going to next year, and he’s in 2nd year also, and he’s doing Biomed which i have alot of friends who are doing that in the same year as him, gunna ask if they know him next time i speak to them. Anyway, he gave me his number, i gave him mine, then we danced some more.
Then they had the dance show they have nightly, drag queens and hot guys doing a dance routine with a cage and stuff, it was really good for their 2nd performance. So anyway, they left the cage on the dance floor after the show, and i saw the guy whos number id gotten hop in with 2 of his friends, and i went over and hopped in too, and his friends were like, “we’ll leave you guys to it then” and left me in a cage with this stunningly gorgeous 18 year old boy who’s intelligent and at my uni and fun, he closed the door of the cage locking us inside, and him and i slow/sexy danced (to an awesome mix of Paparazzi, you better believe i won’t stop until that boy is mind xD) all over each other for like half an hour in the middle of the dance floor, in a cage with everyone dancing around us. I was so tempted to kiss him but i didn’t want to be too uncharacteristically slutty xD
Then we went outside and talked some more, then at like 2:30 his friends said they had to leave so we said goodnight and i told him to call me xD. After he left one of the bartenders came over and asked me if i’d just gotten Josh’s (the guy i danced with) number, and i was like yea, and he told me that he’s known josh for a few years and he’s the sweetest guy and wouldn’t hurt a fly, and i asked him how long he thought i should wait before calling him, and he told me to send him a text today, which i did xD He hasn’t replied yet, but hes probably still asleep haha.
Then we went back to our apartment also (which we were staying in with the club owners, i felt like such a VIP lol) and slept till 10. Then we woke up, got some breakfast, had a chat with the club owners, i thanked them for starting the club and told them what an amazing atmosphere it had going and told them i hoped to see them back there soon and yea, came home. Then tonight im going out to hetero-strip clubs with my brother, should be a bit of a different night.
So yea, maybe i was a bit harsh when i criticized clubs in my last post, i guess we’ll see what happens with this guy, im not really sure how to take it all, but im optimistic haha!
You guys should see my shameless flirting recently, you’d be proud, granted its via myspace but thats kind of the only place i can flirt, seeing as there’s no place where gay teenagers my age congregate socially, except gay clubs, which are not places i want to be at all unless i have to let alone find a relationship.
Anyway so, they’re all mostly friends of a guy i work with, its hard to find ones that aren’t seeing as he knows just about every 15-20 year old in the gay community on the gold coast, for real. Anyway, i talk to them, they ask if i know him, i say yea i know of him he works at my work, then i assume they tell him they’re talking to me, then he makes up shit about me to knock out the competition and they never talk to me again. Despite this i still try to start a conversation with them everyday, but still, no response, its the weirdest thing.
Or maybe im just speculating, and he isnt actually saying anything to them, and theres another reason why they’re really nice and keen to chat one day and suggest hanging out sometime to me, then never say anything again.
As one of my friends said, the problem with the internet is its hard to know if people are being sincere, but see my logic is, you’d think if they were just being polite, they wouldn’t say stuff like “You’re cute and seem awesome, we should hang out sometime ” then never respond to even a hello again.
I wish one of them would respond so i can find out whats going on/what im doing wrong… My only route to any chance of a relationship (not counting randomly meeting someone in random place, which lets face it, isn’t going to happen) is through this guy, i know 3 gay males, 1 is my ex-boyfriend, 1 is his current boyfriend, and the other is this guy from work. Really don’t know what to do, i guess ill just keep trying with my Myspace searching, although im not sure how long i can not let it affect my self esteem.
I took a break from searching for like the last 3 months, and im sick of not even trying. I picked out my part-time uni timetable for next year today, i have 2 hours of class on Wednesday, and 4 hours of class on Thursday, so my week is pretty open, i just need someone to spend that time with =(
“Why oh why my science, have you abandoned me, in my search-for-a-boy” xD
This clip is from Kamelot’s live DVD “One Cold Winters Night” which im yet to purchase, but will look for next time im near a JB-HIFI or other semi-decent music store (Fuck Sanity, they don’t even stock Three Days Grace, which i thought was pretty popular =/). Anyway Roy Khan, the singer of Kamelot, god his voice is magical, and hes quite handsome too! =D