Driving Test

Well i did everything perfectly, all the maneuvers and all, with only 1 of the 9 non-critical errors you’re allowed, then on the way back to the testing centre, i slightly rolled through a stop sign (i treated it like a give way sign, checked and all) and that’s counted as a critical driving error so its an instant fail. Its pretty annoying because it was totally safe for me to do, and 90% of people do it all the time, but rules are rules and apparently as far as they’re concerned i may as well have gone through it at 60km/h without looking >.> So there went $200. I booked again for next Friday, which will cost me another $200 then $50 when i actually get my license, there goes all the money i was saving for a new computer/travelling next year/a CD player for my car to replace the tape player…

Sorting out this Depression

Well i told Mum, she understood eventually, this was on Friday and she booked me into the Doctor for Tuesday. On Saturday i called in sick to work so she got me into the Doctor that day. So yea, i said she didnt have to come in but she did, so i talked it out with the Doctor, then when he asked me why i waited so long to tell anyone, i said it was because i didnt want to burden anyone with my troubles (which is true, except for you guys of course =P) and mum started crying saying she didnt care and i should always tell her things. So the doctor prescribe me the middle strength of the anti-depressants i had last time and said i should come back in 2 weeks and see about getting a referral to a psychologist, which i think ill do when i go back to uni whenever i do to get help dealing with uni work loads. We came to the conclusion that it was stress induced physiological depression, so when im under alot of constant pressure for months on end, it happens. They are definitely working, the first night i took them i passed out, couldn’t even walk to the toilet, which i remember happening last time, its getting a bit less intense though, but it helps me sleep alot. About half an hour after i take them i cant keep my eyes open so i can get to bed earlier. Im also abnormally happy, despite my failing university and being desperate for companionship, but fake happiness is better than what i had, right?

University Issues

So when i was at the Doctor he wrote a note to accompany my appeal for no academic penalty for withdrawing from courses, hopefully ill get accepted for it, i dont see why not, it substantially effects concentration, memory retention, class attendance and consequently assignment and exam performance so. Ill be more relieved when i find out if i was successful or not but its a small relief for now that there is a possible escape. Im going to hand in the form tomorrow.

Dragon Age: Origins

I’ve been playing it since it came out, im not very far yet haha, its taking ages to get through. Im playing a Rogue, no specialization yet but im contemplating Assassin or Duelist, ive found trap making and lock picking skills to be quite useless so far, they’re so situational and in order to be useful you have to put tons of points into them to keep them at the level of the game you’re at, and really theres just so much more of a demand for putting those points into combat skills. So far ive detected no traps in advance, ive had to step on them then reload after i know they’re there, then when i know they’re there and get so close that i can just see them, i cant even atempt to disarm them for some reason, and i only get to unlock 1 out of every 6 chests i come across, or less. At the moment i chose to go see the Dalish elves first to add them to the army, and im in the ruins where the werewolf den is, and i just killed my first Dragon which wasn’t too hard, took about 4 tries though and getting tactics worked out. The combat situations are getting pretty complex to figure out how to be successful, and im only playing on Normal so i’d hate to see Hard or Nightmare. I quit tonight though because im at a part where i get ambushed by like 10 skeletons when i enter this big room and they slaughter me really quickly, will have to figure out something tomorrow night. I wish i had a better PC, i have to play it on Low settings, so theres no blood splatter or anything =(

• A serious health problem, or the onset of a chronic health problem since the cancellation of enrollment date, as evidenced by medical certificates.

• Evidence that the student is unable to cope with University level studies and is unable to meet the requirements of the course or of particular courses within the program

Given my past history of clinically diagnosed depression, im fairly certain my GP will understand (given that he was my doctor all through high school and understands what happens with me) and help my try and salvage this wasted year and try to make a fresh start. Until i learn to deal with this and/or figure out an acceptable medication scheme through trial and error, university is no place for me.

If i get my license on Tuesday, ill make an appointment with him and go there and explain my situation and my wishes for a new prescription of medication, and medical certification for my appeal. If i don’t get my license, ill have to try and explain the situation to my mother and get her to take me, i was going to try and talk to her tonight but i don’t think she’d understand. My family are of the ‘depression is all in your head’ persuassion (i guess in a way it is, but not in the way they think), and she would only see this as a cheap way out instead of just buckling down and studying like she expects of me. Also she blames me for the state of her marriage, she said she devoted all her time to me when i was going through rough times in the past and neglected my dad, i dont need to drop this on her lap just when she thinks she’s gotten rid of me. Like that is possible when i spend all day crying and hurting myself. Aside from that i’ve already failed Linguistics and Biology without taking the finals, and i need to get more than 90% on both my Anatomy exams to pass, as for Psychology i might as well forget about it and start afresh sometime in the future.

If my appeal isn’t accepted? Well, then i receive a mark of K (functionally 0) for my courses and my GPA is 0 meaning i have to start from the ground up with a diploma or something. I’ve fucked it all up, all those years of high school working my fucking ass into the ground to get my OP7 and now it means shit because i fucked it into the earth in one year.

Congratulations Epica!

It’s a fantastic album so far, i just passed the halfway point of my first listen through. I love for this, the first listen through of a brand new album from a band you live and breathe for.
Thats it for new albums until Tarja in early-mid 2010, Nightwish in late 2010 and Within Temptation in late 2010/early 2011.
How will i survive now? xD Especially irreparably failing university this semester already (In that ive failed 2 courses already, if i got 100% on the rest of the assessment id still fail the course overall). Which means im not going to be accepted for a change of program like i planned at the beginning of the year when i was all eager and ready for this new exciting world of university in which my life would change for the better, the thought that got me through 5 years of high school battling clinical depression and attempted suicides, what a disappointment it has been.

Im having an ok week this week, im not quite on the verge of giving up, ill see what im like next week though before i get my hopes up, it could just be that Design Your Universe motivated me to do the week (not that i went to any classes or made any of the psyc studies i signed up for, wasn’t quite that out of the slump).
So yes, Design Your Universe, awesome album, the first ballad “Tides of Time” just started, its beautiful. See you all again soon i hope.

Ill be back to my post every-3-days or so schedule at some point…

This is sort of where i am, i really just don’t care anymore. She’s keeping me going.

“Hyvyyden varjo peittää kyyneleen,
löytäneen luo vie askeleen.
Rauha saa, kehto uneen tuudittaa.
Toivo jää, tie rakkauteen.
Tie syvään vaupauteen.”

“The shadow of goodness covers the tear,
Takes the step to the one found.
Peace may, rock the cradle to sleep.
Hope remains, a way to love.
A way to a deep freedom.”

You gave up the fight,
You left me behind,
All that’s done’s forgiven.
You’ll always be mine,
I know deep inside,
All that’s done’s forgiven.

So in the morning im seeing James for the first time since January 23rd this year… The boyfriend he had a few weeks ago broke up with him by text message apparently >.< So yea, i don’t know what to expect here. I don’t know if  there’s a chance we will reconnect in that way, or if he’s washed his hands of me in that sense completely.

So, im going in with the attitude that if he’s actively seeming like he wants to get back together, then ill go with it just as strongly, if not ill play it cool and hope there’s sparkage like there used to be.

I think im kidding myself though thinking there’s any chance, i don’t think a relationship is what he’s looking for right now, let alone with me =( But yea, i guess we’ll see what happens! I can only hope!

Im meeting him first up in the morning to go with him to get his lip ring removed (cause the locking mechanism on the ring has been stuck for 2 years) and i think he said he’s getting his nose pierced or something, i might get my lip done, it would take some convincing though, i think it looks stupid with curly hair (i’ve tried one of his lip rings on before just sitting on my lip) and i don’t have a decent straightener yet, and i doubt my friends will put any money in so i can buy one for my birthday even thought they said they would, my birthday is on Monday and they haven’t organised it yet haha, oh well, dont want to be too material xD Anyway, after that we’re going for lunch/fake shopping somewhere, i might take the opportunity of having someone with a fashion sense with me to buy some new clothes, not too many though im not swimming in money atm xD

On the note of money, i mentioned that i wanted to try and save to go to the netherlands for the Within Temptation theatre tour in April next year, and James said he’d come with me so id have to work my ass off for a month or two after i finished uni and just keep saving for now as much as i can. Even more extreme i was thinking about deferring next year, saving for the first half of the year then moving to somewhere in Europe for awhile, he said he wanted to do that also, but i guess we’ll see what happens in the coming weeks between us till i make future plans involving him, i hope it all goes well, in either the dating direction or friendly direction (but more so the dating one) =)

Oh and btw! Here’s the new Within Temptation video for their new single “Utopia”. I really love it, i put my atheism aside (its based on an angel xD) for the sake of how beautiful the clip is, and the message it sends.

I have another recorded to but i haven’t edited/uploaded it yet =S

Where to begin, ok first and most immediately, ok thats how ill do it starting now and working backwards, so anyway right now im finally reading the vampire chronicles again, i wasnt that into Memnoch the Devil (Which is the book im up to) when i started it, but its growing on me. The latest thing Lestat said that made me giggle: “Ah Beauty and the Beast, and as beast goes, i mean, really, i am quite a stunner.” Hehe, hes so cheeky.

Ok then earlier tonight i was reading old messages to and from James (again >.<). God i was such an unappreciative prick back then, seriously. I said and did some shit that really was horrible and must've made him feel like he was worthless, what was going through my mind honestly? And he still told me he was lucky to have a boyfriend like me right up until the end. Gah, i really wish i had of been keeping a blog back then so i could know what was going through my head. Before i elaborate on this let me tell you about the start of this week.

As you may know (i think i mentioned it), Caleb came back up to Brisbane with me to stay the night, god from the moment i saw him at the train station i was immediately back to being totally infatuated by him. If i dont see him for awhile it subsides a bit, then as soon as we get together it all re-emerges. I don't think i need to say more on the topic of Caleb, you all know how pathetically powerless i am when it comes to him! =P

So thats whats messed up, my initial (before i was being a prick) feelings for James seem to be surfacing, i think, and yet when i see Caleb its the same with him. One is my ex-boyfriend who has a now-boyfriend and who i broke up with almost 10 months ago, and the other is my straight bestish friend whom ive been infatuated with for over 2 years and has a long term girlfriend, yea, odd situation.

Caleb i can deal with because i know for sure that we are never going to happen, and ive felt the same for years so ive learnt to deal with it. James however, has taken me by surprise. I mean, i feel so stupid for giving him up by being such a stupid, well, a stupid kid! I often think about how awesome life might be now that i have more freedom, and time, and were still with him. Meeting up on our uni breaks for lunch by the river or lake cuddling etc. Staying at his house on uni nights cuddling, crazy adventures on the weekend. Anyway, i guess all i can do for now is remain friends and see what the future holds. I cant be spending my time thinking about what could have/could be with him, its too painful >.<

At the same time however, it seems to me like its more painful not to think about him, and read old messages and remember how i felt and what we did together back then when it was good. Id rather be reminiscing and fantasizing then leaving my emotions stagnant, because i have nowhere else to direct them, he is literally the only gay male ive ever made actual contact with (i dont count the stuck up queeny 3 boyfriends a month bitch at work who i pass occasionally and smile). I guess what im trying to say is, i hope that someone else comes along who i fit as well with as i did with James, but im open to the possibility of being with James again if thats what the future led to. He's the only person ive ever been in love with, and hes the only person who has ever been in love with me. For all i know hes the only guy i've ever met who's ever found me even attractive, whether that be physically or emotionally or whatever, hes the only person that gave me the time of day. (Yes i know some of you think im "cute" or whatever and thank you <3, i was merely referring to people ive actually met xD ViciousPotato infact wishes to “molest me”? =P)

Anyway i guess i should tie this up, perhaps a photo of James and I? I dont think ive ever posted one.