Damned and Divine

You gave up the fight,
You left me behind,
All that’s done’s forgiven.
You’ll always be mine,
I know deep inside,
All that’s done’s forgiven.

So in the morning im seeing James for the first time since January 23rd this year… The boyfriend he had a few weeks ago broke up with him by text message apparently >.< So yea, i don’t know what to expect here. I don’t know if  there’s a chance we will reconnect in that way, or if he’s washed his hands of me in that sense completely.

So, im going in with the attitude that if he’s actively seeming like he wants to get back together, then ill go with it just as strongly, if not ill play it cool and hope there’s sparkage like there used to be.

I think im kidding myself though thinking there’s any chance, i don’t think a relationship is what he’s looking for right now, let alone with me =( But yea, i guess we’ll see what happens! I can only hope!

Im meeting him first up in the morning to go with him to get his lip ring removed (cause the locking mechanism on the ring has been stuck for 2 years) and i think he said he’s getting his nose pierced or something, i might get my lip done, it would take some convincing though, i think it looks stupid with curly hair (i’ve tried one of his lip rings on before just sitting on my lip) and i don’t have a decent straightener yet, and i doubt my friends will put any money in so i can buy one for my birthday even thought they said they would, my birthday is on Monday and they haven’t organised it yet haha, oh well, dont want to be too material xD Anyway, after that we’re going for lunch/fake shopping somewhere, i might take the opportunity of having someone with a fashion sense with me to buy some new clothes, not too many though im not swimming in money atm xD

On the note of money, i mentioned that i wanted to try and save to go to the netherlands for the Within Temptation theatre tour in April next year, and James said he’d come with me so id have to work my ass off for a month or two after i finished uni and just keep saving for now as much as i can. Even more extreme i was thinking about deferring next year, saving for the first half of the year then moving to somewhere in Europe for awhile, he said he wanted to do that also, but i guess we’ll see what happens in the coming weeks between us till i make future plans involving him, i hope it all goes well, in either the dating direction or friendly direction (but more so the dating one) =)

Oh and btw! Here’s the new Within Temptation video for their new single “Utopia”. I really love it, i put my atheism aside (its based on an angel xD) for the sake of how beautiful the clip is, and the message it sends.

I have another recorded to but i haven’t edited/uploaded it yet =S

So it finally happened, it took me 3 hours to upload on our shitty internet connection at the moment, its come down from ADSL2+ to regular ADSL for another month until my brother moves back so yea. Enjoy the fruits of my labour, its not much or that exciting but its my first foray into the world of video blogging so i hope to improve, i also apologize for the lighting as i couldnt get my lamp to work, but you’re not watching it to look at my pretty face are you? xD I should really go to bed so im somewhat alert for my driving lesson in the morning…

..although you might think, that you are.”

Where to begin, ok first and most immediately, ok thats how ill do it starting now and working backwards, so anyway right now im finally reading the vampire chronicles again, i wasnt that into Memnoch the Devil (Which is the book im up to) when i started it, but its growing on me. The latest thing Lestat said that made me giggle: “Ah Beauty and the Beast, and as beast goes, i mean, really, i am quite a stunner.” Hehe, hes so cheeky.

Ok then earlier tonight i was reading old messages to and from James (again >.<). God i was such an unappreciative prick back then, seriously. I said and did some shit that really was horrible and must've made him feel like he was worthless, what was going through my mind honestly? And he still told me he was lucky to have a boyfriend like me right up until the end. Gah, i really wish i had of been keeping a blog back then so i could know what was going through my head. Before i elaborate on this let me tell you about the start of this week.

As you may know (i think i mentioned it), Caleb came back up to Brisbane with me to stay the night, god from the moment i saw him at the train station i was immediately back to being totally infatuated by him. If i dont see him for awhile it subsides a bit, then as soon as we get together it all re-emerges. I don't think i need to say more on the topic of Caleb, you all know how pathetically powerless i am when it comes to him! =P

So thats whats messed up, my initial (before i was being a prick) feelings for James seem to be surfacing, i think, and yet when i see Caleb its the same with him. One is my ex-boyfriend who has a now-boyfriend and who i broke up with almost 10 months ago, and the other is my straight bestish friend whom ive been infatuated with for over 2 years and has a long term girlfriend, yea, odd situation.

Caleb i can deal with because i know for sure that we are never going to happen, and ive felt the same for years so ive learnt to deal with it. James however, has taken me by surprise. I mean, i feel so stupid for giving him up by being such a stupid, well, a stupid kid! I often think about how awesome life might be now that i have more freedom, and time, and were still with him. Meeting up on our uni breaks for lunch by the river or lake cuddling etc. Staying at his house on uni nights cuddling, crazy adventures on the weekend. Anyway, i guess all i can do for now is remain friends and see what the future holds. I cant be spending my time thinking about what could have/could be with him, its too painful >.<

At the same time however, it seems to me like its more painful not to think about him, and read old messages and remember how i felt and what we did together back then when it was good. Id rather be reminiscing and fantasizing then leaving my emotions stagnant, because i have nowhere else to direct them, he is literally the only gay male ive ever made actual contact with (i dont count the stuck up queeny 3 boyfriends a month bitch at work who i pass occasionally and smile). I guess what im trying to say is, i hope that someone else comes along who i fit as well with as i did with James, but im open to the possibility of being with James again if thats what the future led to. He's the only person ive ever been in love with, and hes the only person who has ever been in love with me. For all i know hes the only guy i've ever met who's ever found me even attractive, whether that be physically or emotionally or whatever, hes the only person that gave me the time of day. (Yes i know some of you think im "cute" or whatever and thank you <3, i was merely referring to people ive actually met xD ViciousPotato infact wishes to “molest me”? =P)

Anyway i guess i should tie this up, perhaps a photo of James and I? I dont think ive ever posted one.

So, i have a milkies thread now. Here is the link: http://board.milkboys.org/index.php/topic,4075.0.html

Not much to report this week, im in a bit of a hole with uni, im sure ill wriggle my way out somehow xD Im suffering in Anatomy and Linguistics, but im fairly confident with Developmental, Clinical and Social Psychology and Biology: Cells to Organisms. Infact i love both of those and hate ling and anat >.> I thought id enjoy anatomy more, turns out i like cells to organisms more, it gets into the nitty gritty chemical and electrical aspects of the body systems rather than just asking us to remember 300 different muscles for no reason like they do in Anatomy.

Caleb and i both finish work on the Gold Coast around the same time on Sunday (5:00pm and 6:00pm) so we’re going to head up to my apartment in Brisbane for the night and play Morrowind together, in the sense that we’re both going to start new character and progress through the story line at the same pace haha, totally lame to you maybe but pretty awesome for us. I have a lab i MUST be at at 10am on Monday though and he starts uni at 4pm back on the Gold Coast so, we’ll probably stay up most of the night then get up around 9ish.

I found something really awesome on Youtube, Death metal parrot:

It really makes me want a Cockatoo. They live for like 60 years so id have it until i was like 77, that’d be so awesome. I want to get a black one, and name it Corpsegrinder after the Cannibal Corpse vocalist, or Murderface after William Murderface from Dethklok xD Then id teach it to headbang like that parrot. It’d be so awesome, id just be chilling here playing some games, listening to some music. And whats that on the desk next to me? Oh thats just my bird Corpsegrinder rocking the fuck out to some Cannibal Corpse.

For anyone following me on twitter, the ridiculously stupid/sad thing i caught myself doing without realizing was going through my old emails and myspace messages from James right before we were officially boyfriends >.> Right after our first 2-3 dates at the start of November last year, he went to Amsterdam for 2 weeks and Rotterdam to see Within Temptation at their fan day and so we communicated by emails and such. Im not sure why i was reading through them, i dont think it was to remind myself of James, even though he is pretty god damn awesome and i did royally screw that whole dealio up (one of the messages he even said “This all seems so perfect, the pessimist in my is just wondering when this will all come crashing down, i sincerely hope it never does =)” Well yea sorry James i kind of crashed the roof premature of never >.>

Im so weird, i seem to slingshot back and forth between being hung up on James, being hung up on Caleb or just being hung up in general haha.

Anyway, the reason i think i was reading the emails was because new love is so cute, and amazing, and in those messages is nothing but pure raw new love. The over the top cutesyness, the hopefulness for the future, determining how exactly you feel about each other, and even the uncertainty of everything, its just so perfect.

The last message was the day after our first night together (which was also the first day we were “boyfriends”), after that we evolved past myspace messaging xD That message reminds me of one of the best nights of my life (the top 5 are with him, that was one of them).

I think reading these was good, its helped me realize i need to move past hating myself so much for what happened with us, he’s way happy now with his new boyfriend and i couldn’t be more pleased for that, they really seem to be a great match. I hope soon to hang out with James in a friend aspect because he really is an awesome guy.

They’ve also helped me realize how much i can’t wait to have new love with a new boy, and have our first night, i have no way of telling how long that could be however and that KILLS!

Its fathers day in the morning and i have an early breakfast with dads family so i should get going. Night everyone, and Azurei ill talk to you soon about your comment =)

I have a new found love for Motion City Soundtrack as well xD Oh and btw my twitter is as follows:

http://twitter.com/Karkistoss

Go Figure =P

Hey, has been awhile since my last post.

I’ve been living in the apartment for a week now, its ok. I love being closer to uni, and ive been working on uni stuff more because i dont have my computer to distract me only my laptop, and i get along with Richard pretty well. Ill be moving back home at the end of October though.

Things have been pretty good this week, slowly getting worse and now tonight. Same deal as always, i have a thought that completely fucks everything up. This weeks was “Whats the point of doing all this to have a decent job and earn decent money if ill never have anyone to share it with.” Bleh, what a bleak thought but now i cant get it out of my head, but lets face it, it is a good question, at least i think so anyway.

Ive had one exam so far which i completely fucked up, but im trying to move past that. The semester is all down hill from here, assessment and exams are drawing near and thats when i realize how much ive actually missed on the days that i just dont bother getting out of bed because i dont see the point.

I have 2 sets of group assignments this semester, group work is really where my anxiety begins to shine, i prefer to do my own thing, that way i can only fuck up my own marks.

I know whats going to happen, my GPA isnt going to be good enough to get into either of my actual course choices next year, and ill be back to square one, i dont even want to begin to think about what ill do if that happens.

To be honest im over uni already and ive only been here less than a year, but i was over high school in about this time as well and i managed to get through that without dieing (not for lack of trying on my part at times however). So what happens if i finish uni, and get a job and get over that in 6 months when i have another 30-40 years of it to go? Early grave?

I have work all day tomorrow, so ill be catching an early train back to the gold coast then going home briefly then to work. That means ill have all day of the mindbogglingly dull task of stacking fruit to think about all this fucked up shit.

Argh, the fact that i cant speak to anybody about anything and feel like they’re actually listening frustrates me, i just want to scream. The only person that sort of listens is my mum, and obviously i cant talk to her about my frustration with boys, she doesnt really want to hear that. All my girl friends are wrapped up in their boyfriends and all my boy friends are wrapped up in their girlfriends (or whichever random girl they’ll have a one night stand with next). I just went through every friend i have in my head, and all of them are either content in a relationship, or happy with the meaningless sex they’re actually getting.

I went shopping on Thursday with Paige, who i like to think is my best friend, but it just seemed like she wasn’t there because she missed me or anything, but that she was just being polite and felt obliged to because we’re “friends”. She spent all day worrying about why her boyfriend wasnt texting her (which is because he doesnt like to text her when shes out with friends so she can have a day without worrying about him, which clearly doesnt work). I dont want to by hypocritical because with the right guy, i hope id be like that too, the problem is, where the fuck is he? Oh wait thats right, i know where he is, probably in bed with his girlfriend.

On that note, look at this new photo he took, its gorgeous, i couldn’t breathe when i saw it. Hes so gay, but he doesn’t even like boys. I hope he hangs himself with his H&M scarf while jacking off listening to Mozart (not really).

Fuck he’s amazing and he actually wants to spend time with me and not just to be polite. He’s the embodiment of everything i want and need in every way or at least everything i think i want and need, except he’s missing that one key component, actually liking boys?.

Where is the actually homosexually inclined Caleb? There has to be one out there somewhere, but thats too much to ask. Hell, its too much to ask that i meet a gay guy (excluding James) that i can stand to spend more than 5 minutes in the same room with till i want to spray my brains all over the nearest wall.

I guess i should stop whining and go to bed so i can be up at 7 to get on the train, venting helped a bit i guess, but it also made me think and stretch shit out more which didnt help. Meh, fuck it all.

Please don’t let me bleed, for all eternity and please don’t leave me be, in my own misery.