Damned and Divine

..although you might think, that you are.”

Where to begin, ok first and most immediately, ok thats how ill do it starting now and working backwards, so anyway right now im finally reading the vampire chronicles again, i wasnt that into Memnoch the Devil (Which is the book im up to) when i started it, but its growing on me. The latest thing Lestat said that made me giggle: “Ah Beauty and the Beast, and as beast goes, i mean, really, i am quite a stunner.” Hehe, hes so cheeky.

Ok then earlier tonight i was reading old messages to and from James (again >.<). God i was such an unappreciative prick back then, seriously. I said and did some shit that really was horrible and must've made him feel like he was worthless, what was going through my mind honestly? And he still told me he was lucky to have a boyfriend like me right up until the end. Gah, i really wish i had of been keeping a blog back then so i could know what was going through my head. Before i elaborate on this let me tell you about the start of this week.

As you may know (i think i mentioned it), Caleb came back up to Brisbane with me to stay the night, god from the moment i saw him at the train station i was immediately back to being totally infatuated by him. If i dont see him for awhile it subsides a bit, then as soon as we get together it all re-emerges. I don't think i need to say more on the topic of Caleb, you all know how pathetically powerless i am when it comes to him! =P

So thats whats messed up, my initial (before i was being a prick) feelings for James seem to be surfacing, i think, and yet when i see Caleb its the same with him. One is my ex-boyfriend who has a now-boyfriend and who i broke up with almost 10 months ago, and the other is my straight bestish friend whom ive been infatuated with for over 2 years and has a long term girlfriend, yea, odd situation.

Caleb i can deal with because i know for sure that we are never going to happen, and ive felt the same for years so ive learnt to deal with it. James however, has taken me by surprise. I mean, i feel so stupid for giving him up by being such a stupid, well, a stupid kid! I often think about how awesome life might be now that i have more freedom, and time, and were still with him. Meeting up on our uni breaks for lunch by the river or lake cuddling etc. Staying at his house on uni nights cuddling, crazy adventures on the weekend. Anyway, i guess all i can do for now is remain friends and see what the future holds. I cant be spending my time thinking about what could have/could be with him, its too painful >.<

At the same time however, it seems to me like its more painful not to think about him, and read old messages and remember how i felt and what we did together back then when it was good. Id rather be reminiscing and fantasizing then leaving my emotions stagnant, because i have nowhere else to direct them, he is literally the only gay male ive ever made actual contact with (i dont count the stuck up queeny 3 boyfriends a month bitch at work who i pass occasionally and smile). I guess what im trying to say is, i hope that someone else comes along who i fit as well with as i did with James, but im open to the possibility of being with James again if thats what the future led to. He's the only person ive ever been in love with, and hes the only person who has ever been in love with me. For all i know hes the only guy i've ever met who's ever found me even attractive, whether that be physically or emotionally or whatever, hes the only person that gave me the time of day. (Yes i know some of you think im "cute" or whatever and thank you <3, i was merely referring to people ive actually met xD ViciousPotato infact wishes to “molest me”? =P)

Anyway i guess i should tie this up, perhaps a photo of James and I? I dont think ive ever posted one.